Beauty, and Following Christ

Well, here's another post. A little hurried because I don't have a whole lot of time, but it's a post. And it hasn't been a year since the last one! :)

Just a quick heads up before you read, that it's long, and it doesn't completely tie together. My thoughts are everywhere and not completely organized.

I've been rather moody today. Grumpy at everyone, and then apologizing two minutes later, and then getting mad again. It's weird, cause I'm never moody, and I can't stand it when other people are either. Life seems so tough right now although it really isn't. I actually have a pretty amazing and comfortable life compared to most people. I arrived at a crossroads a few weeks ago, but I think it's a crossroads which I'm going to come to over and over. Maybe I'm going in circles.

I have a confession to make of which I've barely told anyone. I've wanted to model for the last 3 or 4 years, and it's a secret obsession and temptation of mine which I desperately struggle against almost every day. See, I believe that God has made my body to glorify Him, but also, for my future husband, if God chooses to bring the right man into my life. Therefore, it goes against all the convictions I've ever had to model. To show off my body in a sensual, or even "artistic" way for millions to see; to be praised for something I have no control over (God made my face and my body); to support the stupid image of beauty this world has and is feeding the women across the globe. It's just so wrong. Not that taking pictures of a beautiful woman is in itself wrong, but the whole.... I don't know... business? is wrong in my eyes.

And then on the other hand I have this extreme desire for real beauty. Real beauty, as in, the beauty which comes from within. The beauty which comes from a "meek and quiet spirit" which is precious in the sight of God. (1 Peter 3:4) I want people, after they've been in my presence, to feel as if they've had a taste of Jesus. To be inspired to seek Him for more. To be turned to Christ because of the beauty which is within. It sounds really weird, even to me actually, but I've met two people like that in my life, and ever since, I've desired the same beauty, but a whole lot more so, the same relationship which they had with Jesus.

Anyways, I turned 19 last month. Legally, I am allowed to do anything (in Canada). I can go out and get drunk, try drugs, do anything my parents tell me not to do because legally I'm not under their authority anymore, and.... model. Scripturally, I'm still under God, and under my parents, but now that one of the obstacles is gone, the temptation is so much stronger. I chose a few weeks ago not to model. That doesn't mean the option is not going to come up again though. Not at all. But if I am focused on Christ, will it be that much less stronger? And that much easier to resist?

I've been reading Leslie Ludy's Authentic Beauty, which my Dad got me for my birthday, and it's (so far) not about beauty at all. It's about the relationship which I've always wanted with Christ. The one which requires a life completely centred around him. Completely. As in, every spare moment spent with Him. He IS the life of the one who wholly follows Him.

As of right now, I'm too afraid. I'm afraid to look like a fool, to be laughed at, to be looked at as weird, to be yelled at because someone doesn't want to hear about my Saviour, to maybe be tortured some day because of Him, to give my prized possessions up in exchange for heavenly treasure, and so much more. But I'm sure that it's worth it.... or do I? The problem is that I'm sure in my mind, but not convinced in my heart. Make sense?

I should go now. I might edit this some more later, but it'll be up till then. :)