Complete Trust

I'm not expecting this to make sense... and I feel so weird writing this out for everyone to see... especially since no one who will read this really knows me that well, and I'm a very closed person... but here it goes.

I've been learning to trust. Trust God, that is. Random little things which shouldn't be a big deal to me, yet they are.... take so much of me... just to put them into God's hands. And yet, He is so gracious, and such a good teacher. If we are unable to trust God with little things, how is He going to be able to bring situations into our lives which take everything? Everything, as in, placing all our hopes, expectations, dreams, relationships, fears, .... everything... into His hands, not knowing even which step is ahead of us. Only knowing what's behind, and what's underneath our feet is solid. But sometimes the ground under our feet doesn't even feel solid to us. It takes sooo much trust.

A few weeks ago, my family and I were at a conference a few hours drive away from our home, and I locked the keys in the van. My mum usually has an extra set, so I asked her if I could use them. She started rummaging through the pockets in her jacket, and then through her purse. She couldn't find them. She thought she had left them in the van. I started getting really worried. It wasn’t just a matter of getting the keys. We had to leave at 4:00 the next morning, and it was Sunday, when a locksmith shop wouldn’t be open. Running out to the van, I started checking in the windows to make sure the keys were actually in there, and I didn't just think they were there. Yup, there they were. As I walked back the conference centre, I started crying out to God (from my heart), “God, You have to get me out of this mess.” It was like He answered, “Do you trust me Hannah?” At that point, I didn’t. I couldn’t. I feel so ashamed now because I simply couldn’t give this problem completely over to Him. So I worried and stressed for the next 10 minutes.

To make a long story short, my Dad found the extra set of keys in the bottom of my Mum’s purse, and we were able to leave the next morning. Coincidence? No, I don’t believe so. Even in something which seemed so minor, God had everything under His control.

I have no idea what's ahead for my life. I don't know if I'll marry, I don't know if I'll do anything to do with airplanes, or missions, or pre-teen girls, or homeless people, or music... I don't even know how long I'll be on this earth for. So many ideas, and so many potential plans coming from so many directions, and yet, there is no complete peace for any of them. Yet. I don't know which step to take in front of me. I can't see the step in front of me. How do I know exactly what God wants me to do? How do I know that I'm not just doing what I want to do and instead am doing the Lord's will? I know that God's will is not always doing exactly the opposite of what I want to do... and that He gives certain desires which are godly desires... yet.... I'm confused.

But if God is able to be trusted in little areas, I am positive that I can trust Him in the major areas in my life. If just it was easier....